Featured Poet - Ariane Caruso-Kern

"Writing how I feel is helpful to get some clarity. When, at times, ideas may feel all jumbled up in my brain, putting them down on paper allows me to make sense of what’s going on. Poetry is also a safe way for me to express anger, which often builds up with BPD people."



BLAK SHEEP BABY

I feel there’s something wrong with me

I hear there’s something wrong with me

I try and be something

What it is … I’m not sure, but you

can really learn that way

You can really hurt a lot that way

Black black sheep baby

cries cries wolf once too many

Nobody hears me cry

bad bad wolf coming for me

taking taking me … away

sucking me sucking me … away

I can’t feel anything under this skin

I can’t reach anywhere under this skin

I want to go somewhere

where it is … I’m not sure, but you

can really turn that way

You can really hurt a lot that way

ABOUT THE POEM: 'Black Sheep Baby' is more intended as a song than a poem. I was trying to describe what it is like to be living with borderline personality disorder, especially the confusion and the hurt.

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HOLD ON

Moving at speed

But breathing slowly

Live life to the full

But feeling empty

Trying to hold (hold on)

But wish I was falling

I want to see shapes again

Triangles, squares are pretty

I want to mix colours again

Blue and yellow makes green

I want to watch clouds again

Of all shapes

All colours

Tell me a story

Just another story

The better of me

Slowly breathing

And hardly moving

Empty feelings

But heart still beating

Trying to fall (hold on)

But holding on

I want to see shapes again

Squares, triangles are pretty

I want to mix colours again

Yellow and blue makes green

I want to watch clouds again

Of all colours

All shapes

Tell me another story

Just a story

About a better me

ABOUT THE POEM: Living with mental health is a constant battle that takes place in my head. It’s exhausting. In this poem I was inspired by my young son and his love of painting. He also sees the world as beautiful shapes. This has a positive effect on me and I can use this imagery in my poetry to show there is still hope. We just need to hold on. 

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BOY IN A BUBBLE

Breathing modified air

In my bubble world

Juxtaposed to yours

Feeling through plastic

Everything feels fake

Yet I keep wanting to feel

But everything is manufactured

Everything is made

I see you through my plastic sheet

Dancing to music

I cant quite appreciate

I feel the beat through my plastic skin

Moving my lazy feet

Too, perhaps a little late

Boy in a bubble

Wants to dance and feel alive and free

ABOUT THE POEM: In this poem, I’m trying to convey how one can feel out of sync with the world around us. Sometimes I like to put myself in someone else’s shoes, for instance here as a boy. I still use some of my own experiences and feelings but it makes for a different imagery.

~

ARE YOU OK?

Up and down she goes

One moment happy

One moment in the throes.

Are you OK? They say

Well that’s the big question.

Up and down she goes

Buoyant for a moment

Then struggling to stay afloat.

Are you OK? They say

Well, what sort of question is that?

No, I’m not OK

I’m sinking, hurting,

Paddling, peddling,

Medicating, hallucinating,

Breaking, heaving

Alleviating, panicking, struggling.

… Lying, pretending … yes I‘m OK.

Up and down she goes

A moment steadfast, 

Followed by a monumental fall

Are you OK? they say

Well, that’s not the answer

ABOUT THE POEM: There is a campaign about mental health awareness in Australia with the slogan “Are you OK?”. I think it’s a great first step at building awareness of mental illness, however it doesn’t equip people on what to do once you’ve started a conversation. Therefore more significant funding and easy access to treatment would be a good addition to the campaign. In this poem, I refer to this campaign and how it might not be the solution at an individual level.