Featured Poet - Nila K. Bartley

AT ONE TIME 

Be kind! When you see a homeless person on the street acting strangely.

Be kind! When you see someone in the grocery store looking dazed and confused.

Be kind! When you see someone waiting for mass transit (subway or bus) and that person seems lost and frightened.

These are all examples of people with mental illness. They need understanding and compassion.

I now take the time to give a homeless person acting strangely a few dollars.

I now take the time to ask someone at the grocery store who looks dazed and confused "What is wrong?"

I now take the time to give instructions to someone waiting on mass transit (subway or bus) who looks lost and frightened, which train or bus to board to arrive at the proper destination.

Why do I do this?

At one time I was one of these people.

At one time I was so delusional I tried to commit suicide.

At one time I was so paranoid I thought I was the only human being left on earth, and everyone else was part of a master race.

By the grace of God, I am now stable and living a full wonderful life. I am a paranoid schizophrenic. 

Please be kind to people with mental illness.

ABOUT THE POEM: When a person has a severe mental illness like schizophrenia, the despair, absolute terror, and just wanting to make it all stop, dominate every thought. A person feels like he or she is carrying dark secrets that no one would understand, especially if one is delusional. Please be kind to people with mental illness.

THE PORTAL

The portal to my soul, who can go there?

for this is where--

Where I keep all the secrets from the present and the past, 

hoping into the future that they do not last.

To view these secrets through the portal you must travel,

I keep the portal shut tight as the secrets make my life unravel.

Who? Who can stop this? These secrets are my burden to bear,

what I would not do to rid myself of them, 

and live a life free without care.

The portal to my soul, O God, I pray, 

I am afraid to let anyone in and stay.

The secrets make my soul ugly and dark--

black as night, 

who can fill my soul again with light.

I dare not look too far into the depths of my soul, 

I feel I will go crazy and lose all control.

My mind and soul are on the precipice of madness, 

despair I feel-- much more than overwhelming sadness.

The only answer to this despair is to end this misery and close the portal, 

how I wish the Almighty would just take the secrets from this mortal.

VICTIM TO VICTOR

Childhood nightmares.

Only this really happened.

Not even fourteen years old.

Babysitting the next-door neighbour's children.

Their father comes home early.

He does the unthinkable.

Unthinkable to most men.

He rapes and sodomizes me.

Memories.

Memories of him holding his hand over my mouth so no one could hear my screams.

He hurt me.

And not just physically.

Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, down to my very soul.

Not one part of me did he not scar that day.

Healing.

Where to start? 

Forgive. How? 

Bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment had spread throughout me like a poison.

It permeated me like a cancer, invading even my soul.

It coloured the way I viewed myself and others.

The world petrified me.

I could not keep living in that state. I had no quality of life.

Healing was unavoidable.

Forgiving myself for feeling guilt and condemnation all those years.

It was not my fault!

Bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment toward my attacker had left me unable to love and trust fully.

Forgiving him was for me. I realized it did not mean that I condoned his actions.

The burden lifted off me when I forgave him. It freed me.

As long as I kept the bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment, I was there in that moment in which I had no control. In which, I was a victim.

I forgave him and was no longer a victim.

I was in control.

I now love and trust fully.

I am no longer a victim. I am a VICTOR!

ABOUT THE POEM:  I was lost in a victim mindset or identity. It effected my whole outlook on life. I was afraid all the time. I was raped and sodomized at thirteen by my next-door neighbour while I was babysitting his kids. By forgiving myself and my attacker, I took back control of my life and went from victim to victor. I wanted to share that with others, if it will help someone else.