Featured Poet - Natasha Bayes

"Poetry, in good times and bad, has been a creative outlet for reflection and navigating my mental health – what a powerful tool to be able to access and help us in our day to day lives."



DECIDEDLY UNDECIDED ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH

It finally happened

For the first time in my life, I'm feeling truly decisive I've never been so sure about anything in my life.

I am feeling certain. Committed. Driven.

I'm surprised by how rational I feel about it.

The time has come

that I am ready to die.

For many years, I've been in quiet contemplation- When might I do it? How might I do it? Where?

As a commuter, the obviously choice would be by train Not a plane.

What about the automobile? Hmm ...

No. They won't work. Too much collateral - I don't want to hurt anyone else Ah of course. That bottle of pills. Ever my friend - the Painkillers. Reliably taking away my pain. Yes, that could be viable. But what if I don't take enough?

Do I need a backup plan? To be decided, like everything else.

Now, what else do I need to do?

The love letters, or notes of goodbye.

Who would I write them to? What would I write? And why?

To my partner? My siblings. My dead parents? My pals? Hmm ...

Maybe I say nothing at all.

Maybe writing a goodbye causes more collateral - I don't want to hurt anyone else.

It's all very tricky, deciding how to die.

So yes. Back to my decisiveness. I am ready. Committed. Determined. Certain.

But before I do, there's just some things I need to do, or do again.

I want to see the sunrise a final time. And of course a sunset, 0000h

See a play, a show, a million movies too.

I want to feel my body ache after a flat out boxing session I want to go through quiet reflection after life brings something to teach me a lesson.

I want to taste all the flavours of all the foods -

I want my heart and mind to feel all the moods.

I want to travel the world.

I want to know what it's like to grow old.

I want to be there when you need someone -

On the down days, and when you want something fun.

I want to take my nieces and nephew to the park.

And listen to Bruce Springsteen as I'm Dancing in the Dark.

I want the love of my life and I to have the most earth shattering sex.

Again. And again.

XXX

I know baby, it's been a little while,

But know this, I am no dried-up fool!

But that's all. That's all that I want -

A lifetime of everything,

And then I'll be ready, to take the plunge and end my life.

Oh the challenge faced here -

It's ever so queer.

To want to die so bad

Because I feel so sad -

Yet to want to live

Oh what I'd give -

To die and live all at once.

ABOUT THE POEM: This poem was written in 2022 at a time when feelings of depression were at their peak, especially unsettling given that I hadn’t felt sadness to that intensity for several years. Written in those dark times when I felt I wanted my life to end, writing the poem helped me to realise how deep my desire to live my life was, and that desire helped me to slowly transition out of that dark time. Dig deep – those feelings of sadness are almost always temporary, no matter how unbearable they feel at the time.

~

CHALLENGE YOUR WORTH

She speaks to me.

Not always, but often.

She's a callous one - exploits my weaknesses and does her best to grind me down.

She does well.

But she is familiar; her wickedness makes me feel oddly at ease.

Like coming home. A dark place where the cheerful sun teases me through the window.

I stretch out my arm to meet its glow but it just misses my skin. It's always the same, I'm learning to accept that.

When she's quiet, I secretly enjoy the respite from her unrelenting spews of hatefulness.

But in her absence the silence agitates me, I'm unsettled by just how alone the world can feel without her.

So I seek her out, welcome her back and endure her again.

She's not perfect, but she's reliable, and for that I am grateful.

So here I stay, in the dark - I do know this might not be the best place for me.

But I'm safe here.

Safe at home.

ABOUT THE POEM: This poem was written in around 2017 when I was in the middle of my therapy journey. Writing the poem helped me to realise that for me, I had a long-standing relationship with anxiety and depression that was very challenging to let go of as although they made me unhappy, they were familiar and reliable ways of thinking, feeling and being in the world. The poem helped me to see that I was ready to let go and find a happier version of me and my life. It wasn’t easy, but I did just that, and I am so grateful for it. Remember – nothing ever has to be permanent in this world, we have the power within ourselves to change our circumstances if we have the will and determination to do so.

~

UNTITLED

For a minute there, I almost lost myself.

On a horse riding deep into the forest.

On a ship sailing deep into the sea.

But today, you shall rouse me from my slumber,

Because this is not the end of me.

ABOUT THE POEM: This poem was written in around 2015 and was one of the most important poems I’ve ever written. It has layers of meaning, the first of which involves the fear of abandonment that I experienced as a child as a result of inconsistent caregiver figures in my life growing up – as a child, I had nightmares of different versions of my mum, my stable caregiver, leaving abruptly. The second meaning is the similarities my mum and I experienced in our own mental health – during dark times, the feeling of wanting life to end but then finding the strength to come out the other side to better times.

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