CARRYING MOUNTAINS

As if an anesthetic was injected in my brain

Morbid thoughts and ice cream seem to bore me just the same

I tried to smell the flowers, but the scent was out of tune

The sun is gone, I’m freezing cold, it’s been a bitter June

Languishing, I lay in bed, no language to explain my dread

My anguish can’t be vanquished, it intensifies instead

Prozac fueled the fire and Zoloft fanned the flame

Pharmacy futility, free refills for my shame

Hopelessness, emptiness, too much for my dear therapist

I’m making little steps, knees buckling under Everest

This mountain’s on my shoulders and it’s way too much to bear

Collapsing under pressure, I fainted in despair

I awoke beside the mountain, I guess it must’ve dropped

No longer underneath it, I can finally see the top

The view from here is better than the shadow from before

I’m looking up and less concerned with shatters on the floor

Without the extra weight, I’m more inclined to move

For once I see the path for my fate to improve

The way will not be easy and there’s snakes along the trail

But the less I look down the more I prevail

The boulders in my thoughts aren’t enough to deter me

Though the the top is the goal, there is joy in the journey

It was shame that kept me stagnant and smothered my ascent

But since I’ve slain that dragon, the way is making sense

Healing is more simple when feeling’s not a crime

The mountains that I carried, I was only supposed to climb

ABOUT THE POEM: "This poem was inspired by the words of another poet, Najwa Zebian. She said: 'These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.'"

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THE WAR INSIDE

Back at war three times a day

Triggers fire my dismay

Land mines lurk throughout the town

Fear from daily sights and sounds

The blender shoots machine gun shells

Concrete locks me back in jail

Torture from the TV screen

I light right up to gasoline

Day and night I feel the terror

I clutch the armrest on my chair

3 AM, a throbbing brain

I’d kill for rest to end this pain

Instead my bed by betrays me, I wake up in a sweat

My trench is deep and hazy, with never ending threats

I try to count the sheep, but I see my dying friends

They haunt me in my sleep, my survival to avenge

The gun under my pillow begs me to resign

But whiskey, my dear hero, fights this deadly crime

I drown my veins into a daze, lifeless on the floor

Little left to resuscitate, yet I wake up in a ward

Confined again, like overseas, all hell has broken loose

Hemorrhaging the memories, the bleeding is profuse

I rage against the nurse’s mob, but a feel a subtle sting

Dragged into a padded room, robbed of everything

Trapped in empty solitude, my mind reflects the void

My inner struggle’s been subdued, away from all the noise

My breakdown was a pitfall, but I finally caught a break

I stare at pearly walls, there’s beauty in the blank

They opened up the door, but I opted to abide

For once I’m not at war, and I think what I decide

Like freshly fallen snow, this room erased my tracks

But this asylum’s not my home, and I’m scared of going back

Despite my dread, I’m marching on, back into the field

Standing tall, but feeling small, my wounds are far from healed

The world is just as frightening as it was before my stay

But armed with new enlightenment, I start my brave crusade

Battling the bottle with tactics from the couch

I wish I had a tank to trample all my doubts

Enemy lines are everywhere, each day’s another fight

The odds are never fair, but I dodge the dynamite

I long for the simplicity that I felt inside that room

A soldier of sobriety, trudging through the gloom

Disarming all my demons as my boots imprint the mud

Stepping towards my freedom, turning triggers into duds

Though I’ve conquered for a decade, my guard is always up

Dark thoughts can still invade, though I’ve learned to kill them off

Victory is a lifetime of life despite despair

Healing deep inside the soul, no medal I can wear

I fought defending liberty, but sacrificed my own

A spiritual captivity that festered in my bones

Wounded in a war, ribbons glowing with my pride

But by far, my greatest honor is to win the war inside

ABOUT THE POEM: "This is about military PTSD. Some of the finest people I've met are suffering with severe trauma from their military service."

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CORAL GRIEF

I don’t mean to be rude

But I’ve had it with the platitudes

Please don’t assume

I should have a better attitude

I’ve got wounds

Not a petty of lack gratitude

Get well soon?

It’s clear that you don’t have a clue

Hallmark cards won’t bring her back

Warm regards can’t fix these cracks

No silver lining to this cloud

No cliché can help me now

Grief’s an ocean, can’t be tamed

At best, I’ll strive to ride it’s waves

The current always brings the past

With wrathful winds which wreck my mast

Sailing alone, a sinking boat

Most days I can barely float

Swallowed in the undertow

Strangling guilt that won’t let go

A blank horizon day by day

With depths unknown, unanchored pain

Longing for my peaceful shore

But knowing that it’s nevermore

I dread the doorstep drop-offs, free meals and red balloons

Silly little bandaids for my fatal gaping wounds

But much to my surprise, you asked to come inside

You showed me that you’re in my boat and share my rainy eyes

Our raging seas of grief may never cease to sting

But friends on board can lift our sails to help us catch a breeze

When lost upon the waters, send your signal through the sky

Together we are stronger, we can thrive despite the tide

ABOUT THE POEM: "Grief can be heavy and wild like ocean waves."

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WOUNDED HEALER

Empathy doesn’t grow on trees

And you can’t buy a lesson learned

My roots run deeper where they’re watered with my weeping

And a purified perspective I have earned

Wounded healer

Here to help you through the dark

Humbled hero

I’ll shield you from my sorrow’s scars

When I was lost, I found the cure

Now I can’t keep it to myself

So take my hand and we will win your war

I’ve been through your hell so I know how to help

I’ve walked the coals and felt the burn

I’ve fallen in the traps

I know this road, its twists and turns

I finally made a map

You and I will stay up high,

Viewing valleys I regret

I’ll help you see through all the lies

And recognize the threats

I’ll hold you when you’re faint of heart

My callouses protect me

I’ll carry you while treading shards

The sting hardly affects me

There’s caves you’ll have to crawl alone

But I’ll counsel you before

I’ll do anything to bring you home

Without my deep remorse

My pain empowers me to guide

I’ve been right where you are

Through all the rain I’m by your side

We’ll mend your broken heart

My curse became a calling

Though life hasn’t gone as planned

Lifting up the fallen

A wounded healer’s who I am

ABOUT THE POEM: "I got into psychiatry because I am wounded and can empathize with my clients. "

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RIPPLE EFFECT

Throwing pebbles in a pond

We watch the ripples grow

Consequences far beyond

The power of our throws

Echoes on the surface

Extend a thousand fold

But beneath the epidermis

Deep effects remain untold

A stone from the past

Turned my pond into a swamp

Though many years elapsed

My pain has never stopped

Victim to his selfish needs

He sparked a lifelong war

My layered insecurities

Have taken many forms

Distortion in the mirror

Shriveled portions set to starve

Incessant state of fear

I carved the sorrow in my arms

My chemical escapes

Locked my brain inside a cell

One man’s mistake

Another’s suicidal hell

I found a rock at the bottom

It was plugging up the drain

Polluting all the water

And damming all the pain

After it’s eviction

My clarity prevailed

Past the anguish and addiction

I could finally see myself

At last, I hold the weapon

That toxified my soul

The ripples of depression

Are more in my control

We always have a choice

Of how we make our waves

To bless or destroy

Just a stone’s throw away

ABOUT THE POEM: "I thought of the concept in this poem as I threw stones in a pond."