Featured Poet - Jessica Keaton Ganz

NERVOUS SYSTEM SHUT DOWN

In the gaping depths of the forest

Inside of my head, I am still, nothing moves

No thoughts, no sounds, just silence.

In the cold, frozen lake of my mind

I am unable to move, stuck somewhere

Between mud and quicksand.

In the blank space between both my ears

I deal with a symptom I loathe

The professionals call it “task paralysis.”

Stiff as boredom, too many options

I can’t choose between want and need

Laundry Mountain piling up to the ceiling.

Too many chores to conquer.

Too many video games to play.

Too many Lego sets to build.

Too many books to sink into and read.

Motivation isn’t real–my therapist said

One time–it’s something you have to begin

And then it continues onward its own.

But again, in the quiet of my brain

I am unable to move, afraid of something?

The monster that is perfection seeps in.

You won’t put those clothes away.

You won’t win that game.

You can’t build that Lego set. 

You’ll give up on reading.

So I sit in my safe place

Wistfully wishing life away

On the couch, cemented in time.

DISTRACTION

I cannot handle silence

It creeps up on me like a ghoul

Haunting me until I fight it off with sound

Music is always somewhere

In the background–soft and sweet

Or so loud that I drown out everything inside me

Nighttime is the worst

My thoughts play in circles, unable to stop

On their own–so I must quiet them

How many cat videos

Can I watch before I can go to sleep?

At least a half hour’s worth is my guess

Girls reviewing books

That I’ve never read, which ones

Should I put on my list to complete?

Guys playing video games

On handheld consoles, which ones

Should I buy and play for myself?

People thrifting

Digging through bins with blue gloves on

Just to find one holy grail they can take home

By that time, I’m drifting

Just the thoughts of people living their lives

Doing what they love to do

Instead of my brain and I

Playing “Ring Around the Rosie” together

With each and every one of our anxieties

PUSH THE BUTTON

“Push the button

When there’s an X on the screen.”

She says to me

This is the test for ADHD

But I don’t

I keep thinking the X is coming

No matter the letter

I press the key and my heart flutters

This is ADHD

Push the button



My head says–the lights of the casino glow

As I insert bills

Into the slot and continue pressing

I keep losing and it’s distressing

This is the test for addiction

Push the button

Just one more time, you’ll win, I promise!

My head continues

The devil on my shoulder

It’s right this time and the machine dings loudly

I walk away proudly

And pass the test for addiction

TO HEAL

She’s twelve

Brown hair and depressed eyes

Listening to morose music in her basement

First on her clear blue CD player

Then, the tiny MP3 player

That fit in the palm of her hand

Both given as gifts

At one point

Criticized for her music tastes

“Evanescence means ‘preacher’

‘fallen preacher’” they said to her as she used 

The green in her pocket to purchase 

Her own copy of the album –“Evanescence”–

The process of fading away like she did from them

The black and silver CD twirled

As if it were the Earth rounding its axis

Until there were scratches so deep

Like the ones left on her arms 

When she could no longer hear the music

She sobbed when that day came

Music disappearing like a mountain fall into winter

~

She’s thirty-seven

Sitting with her friends, outside on the verdant grass

Evanescence, live in concert

Miles and miles away from her old basement

Where she used to blare the same music

Into her headphones–even though it’s Monday

She’s out in hopes to heal that twelve-year-old

Amy does her favorite song

She sings along to “Imaginary” loudly

Like she was a kid again, no one able to hear

From the basement; only this time, no one complains

About her volume; no one is here to shame her for her tastes

She’s surrounded by people like her, in black t-shirts–

Memories of a time when the music comforted

Waking up the next day

She feels her age, almost unable to meet morning

Her eyes beating, her bones begging for a day of rest

But something within her has changed—she can tell

The twelve-year-old in her seems quieter than usual

The trauma of the critical adults around her replaced

With the image of phone flashlights in the air

ABOUT THE POEMS:

About “Nervous System Shut Down”

This is a common experience I have with my ADHD. I feel paralyzed, almost frozen in time–unable to complete any task, whether it is a “need to” or “want to” one. I tried to create that mood and image in this poem so that others could understand that it’s not “laziness” but a symptom of the disorder.

About “Push the Button”

I very much enjoyed comparing my experiences with both the ADHD test and playing the slots in Las Vegas. In each situation, you had to press the buttons and, ideally, avoid the negative responses. There is a sense of being without control in both situations–hence the addiction comparison. However, during the last stanzas of “Push the Button,” I am able to overcome the urge to continue once I am rewarded, which is also an ADHD symptom. 

About “Distraction”

This poem is about my nightly anxiety and how I deal with it. I have to have some sort of noise going on to silence all ‌the thoughts in my head. Again, as with “Nervous System Shut Down,” I tried to create an uneasy mood so the reader could empathize with the experience.

About “To Heal”

I dedicate this poem to my inner child. I recently went to a concert that reminded me of an incident I had with some religious family members who didn’t approve of me listening to secular music. However, I didn’t listen to them, and it was the beginning of the deterioration of my relationship with them. This was one of the key moments of shame in my life, since it was not only religious shame but familial shame as well. Going to the concert of this artist was a moment of healing for me–I was surrounded by like-minded people, and it was quite moving.



BACK TO FEATURED POETS