Featured Poet - Pandora Horváth
POEM ONE:
"when death greets me.."
NO
death has already caught you
greeted and swallowed
like a toddler does a cookie
you were consumed the day
it all added up
all of the little flinches
the howls
the lies
the betrayals
the broken dry wall
the jaw clenching
when it all added up
death finally took you
not fully–but just enough
enough to keep you here physically
but yearn for existence elsewhere
the day it all added up
your brain was rewired
a damaged good–permanently
death ate you for breakfast
with a pitiful smirk on his face
collecting you for his trophy case
your pleasure now his
your pain entirely yours
when it all added up
you no longer knew
how to process love
whether it be a parent
drowning you in it
dousing you with all they have
like gravy on mash
it just becomes mush
blending together and inevitably uneaten
you will never process trust
not even when a partner fills your cup
each and every day
with your favorite tea
at the perfect temperature
and just the right amount of sugar cubes
made to perfection daily–but never drunken
you will never believe them
you will never believe yourself
that you have a purpose
or that the cycle of emotions
will ever complete itself
rather you will ask yourself
"why is life so beautiful?"
and
"how poetic would it be..
if I did not wake tomorrow?"
in the very same breath
it is in the following breath
you remember death's face
and that goddamn smirk
in silence you concede defeat
adopting that you will live this pattern
for the rest of your pathetic life
no matter how much love
or medicine
or treatments
you will never again be
how you once were
- when it all adds up
ABOUT THE POEM: The purpose behind this poem is to encapsulate the harsh reality one with Borderline Personality Disorder may experience on a daily basis due to the heightened sense of realization, often lack of optimism, and intense emotional shifts that rapidly cycle through out the mind each day.
Poem previously published on my Instagram and TikTok accounts
POEMTWO:
Seasonal depression
each gulp
piercing my gullet
saliva–nonexistant
birthing poundage
upon my sternum
my vacant belly
shredding from acid
intrusive cravings strengthen
welcoming this desolation state
i recollect slumber–how pleasant
anesthetized each night
my scleras desiccating–bloodshot
feeble and blanch my flesh becomes
slowly withering away
like the greenery outside
-spring please hurry
ABOUT THE POEM: This poem was written to help visualize how heavily winters can often take a toll on those who go through seasonal depression.
Poem previously published on my Instagram and TikTok accounts
POEM THREE:
i pray death is kinder
like a never ending forehead kiss
or the fairytale meadow you daydream of
i pray death is warmer
like a freshly brewed cup of coffee
or the tight hug you longed for all day
i pray death is sweeter
like a batch of Gram's chocolate chip cookies
or a basket full of kittens
i pray death
is not as painful
as living often is
ABOUT THE POEM: This poem was written during an intense depression of mine and I am sharing it in hopes to let others who may resonate with this that they are not alone, and although a different existence may seem better in the moment, remember how beautiful this one can be.
Poem previously published on my Instagram and TikTok accounts.
POEM FOUR:
to call myself privileged
is an understatement
celebrating twenty seven
means i have outwitted my own ament
the statistics were wrong
and yes, most days i am bedridden
in motionless agony from this damned illness
nevertheless, happy endings are not forbidden
twenty seven has come at quite the cost
most days spent sulking in the intensity of self slaughter
however i owe my laughter, my unwavering love
to my beloveds, my folks, as i am their only daughter
to reach this age is but a gift
living and claiming a life i never knew was to exist
my sternum bursts with overwhelming warmth
to think so many times i wanted to end it, but forced myself to resist
i often fear surviving this illness
will always be my greatest accomplishment
no matter how many milestones or congrats i collect
in the back of my mind i will always feel lament
that this illness will always be a part of me
and me a part of it
knowing one day it may conquer me
makes me so angry i could spit
but until that day
i celebrate twenty seven
and every year i am gifted after
until this illness grants my access to heaven
- i did not get in to the twenty seven club
ABOUT THE POEM: This poem was written to combat the online phenomenon that those with BPD commit or pass at age twenty seven from the illness, and create hope for those near the age to remember how much of a gift life is despite the mental disorder and it's challenges.
Poem previously published on my Instagram and TikTok accounts
POEM FIVE:
it is one in the morning,
i told my pillow
accepting we were not on good terms
it is four o’clock and we still have not spoken
- an argument i may never win,
and a slumber i may never greet
ABOUT THE POEM: This poem was written in attempts to make light of things while experiencing severe insomnia from a deeply depressive.
Poem is published in my book
"The Heart You Molded".
ABOUT PANDORA
Pandora is a poet and author from the Midwest, USA. Her poems derive from her own submerged memories, along with the overflowing daily struggles from housing BPD and Depression. Her purpose through writing is to advocate for those deeply drowning in their own minds, motivate those along the way to stay afloat until shore is in sight, and provide shelter and a voice to those who feel lost due to their mental state.
TikTok @thebedsidedrafts
Instagram @thebedsidedrafts
