ELLY'S STORY
By Elly Lloyd
Elly Lloyd spent her childhood on the Norfolk coast, going on long walks, under big skies and wide-open spaces, in a space that was beautiful, but bleak. Elly first fell ill with depression when she was thirteen, and has experienced depression and anxiety on and off ever since. Her greatest joy is to write poetry that resonates with reader.
Chronic physical ill health has been my fellow traveller since I was very young, I was introduced to reading and listening to poetry. I found the rhythm soothing. It calmed me.
In my teenage years I had a wonderful English teacher who encouraged my writing amidst the turbulence of adolescence and I finally found my voice. I began to use art and creative writing as a tool, seeing the process as necessary as medicine, not only for myself but others too.
I was passionate about the relationship between the arts and medicine. I wrote articles. I facilitated workshops for creative writing and art in the UK and overseas, working with single mums, veterans, sexually exploited youth and other marginalised groups. I was humbled and privileged to hear stories of trauma that no human being should experience. At first there would be a reluctant silence, but with pen in hand, the walls would come down.
Last year I compiled some of my poetry into a book, ‘Socks and other poems a workbook for mental health and well-being’.
In recent years my health has deteriorated and my energy levels fallen, but I continue to write, because I know it’s my lifeline, my source of wellbeing and my gift to those around me. Words have the power to heal, mend what’s broken and bring hope even when life seems at its darkest.
As far back as my early teens was my first encounter with very dark depression. I was bullied at junior school, home life [though much loved] was sometimes chaotic. Then puberty and I sought solace in relationships that quickly turned sour. I was needy, so desperate and my mental health spiralled out of control over the years.
Much later I would acknowledge my low self-esteem, triggering events, any kind of criticism and I learned to notice patterns. But, my thoughts had been formed and it was incredibly hard work to retrain my brain. I’m still a work in progress.
There were definitely kind and sensitive people on my journey, but also some cold and hurtful statements of who I was perceived to be. Back to the bullying.
I began to believe the truth about myself that I had come to through faith. Something that has helped is to have a short mantra or bible verse, or from a poem or song. My close friend once said I was ‘L’Oreal Girl’ because ‘I’m worth it.’
I’m a slow learner and sometimes I’m too caught up in the dark space, but time does bring them back to my mind. And off I go again. I won’t pretend it’s easy. Now in my 70s, I can still have crises that wrench my guts, break my heart like it was the first time, and crawl into my cave. I would say I’m in recovery rather than totally mentally stable.
In these following words I don’t wish to belittle anyone’s mental health condition by writing a ‘to do’ list. We are all different. Without which I would have struggled to survive.
A listening ear, a friend, therapist, pastor, or for some of us a blank page, can be the beginning of healing. Talking therapies, psychotherapists, and medication are recognised methodologies. I tried to self-medicate by using alcohol in my 40s, but instead of chasing the demons away, I ended up with more. The fall outweighs the high.
My faith has been my rock and foundation since my early 20s without which I would have struggled to survive. I’m not the sum total of an over-wired/under-wired brain. It’s easy to isolate, but don’t go it alone. It means being vulnerable, taking a risk when you have been told to ‘snap out of it’.
So, get to know yourself from the page well and see your triggers early. Be on the alert for signals. For me certain places, people or criticism. If possible have one person who believes in you to help you tune back into your truth. I’m very good at going down rabbit holes!
Don’t dismiss yourself or let your illness be your identity. What is it that shakes that mood, that anger, that pain. We are creative beings and even what seems unlikely can bring a spark, all challenges physical, mental or emotional. My purpose in writing poetry isn’t simply to express myself, but so that a reader will recognise some word or phrase that leaps from the page and says that’s me, I’m not alone.
So poetry began shaping me from when very young when I had prolonged periods of illness. After the first crisis I turned that trauma into words on a page. Yes, there were lapses but I kept coming back to the value that I’d placed on giving words a heart. It’s so easy to beat ourselves up.
My words will come anytime, anywhere; a phrase or sometimes several poems on a theme. I do try to remember but more often scribble on a bus ticket or a shopping list. So my thing is to always have a piece of paper and pen to hand, because if you lose it, it could have been your finest hour. Wherever you are I hope the stigma of mental health is changing for you in a world of in or out. Finding your own language to give validation to your highs and lows, struggles and victories. There is no judgement here.
With love
Elly
MORE WORDS
My words come in on a tide
often after a storm
leaving a mark
CLICK HERE to read more of Elly's poetry.
ABOUT ELLY
Elly is 73, and lives in West Sussex, England. Having suffered from depression from the age of thirteen, writing poetry is her greatest joy and a lifeline source of wellbeing. For Elly, words have the power to heal, mend what’s broken, and bring hope when life is at its darkest.
E: ellylloyd@hotmail.com
