Featured Poet - Shaundra Graves

WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME 

Sometimes I wonder 

What you see when you look at me?

Hair a mess, tired and forlorn.

Wearing the same clothes from days before. Who knows the last time I showered, who knows when I will again. 

What does it look like threw eyes that are not mine? Threw the darkness that surrounds me do I still shine? 

Do I just look lazy or can you see my shame? Do you still see my beauty even though I'm in pain?

I wonder what you see when you look at me?

Full of energy, happy and fun.

Motivated ready to get things done. 

Who knows how long the mania will last,

Who knows when it will be back.

Do you see my struggle to get things done, overwhelmed ,and spread to thin? or Do I look like someone with no sense of direction who won't try harder to do more than I can? Can you still see my wonder when my mind is being pulled under by the weight of what is my life? 

What do you see when you look at me? 

Broken and Unsure 

Afraid of the unknown, Longing for security. Afraid of being left alone.

Who knows what I feel this way, Who knows when it will go away. 

Do you see my uncertainty or Do you see someone unwilling to try? Do you still see my confidence when my fear has taken control? I wonder what you see when you look at me. 

Paranoid and scared of every little thing 

Hoping I'm not right. Unable to trust my own mind. Who knows how long this fight will last l, Who knows when I'll fight this fight again. 

Do I look crazy, Do you still see me the same? Can you tell these feelings are a poison to my brain eating at me time and time again. Can you see my strength when my reality breaks in two.

I wonder what do you see when you look at me. 

What does it look like through eyes that are not mine? Through the darkness that surrounds me do I still shine? 

I wonder what it is you see when you look at me?

ADDICTION

I'm faced with a decision Knowingly I pick the wrong choice, Again.

Run my instincts scream. Run, ... Please !

I place the spoon before me, hands trembling already, tears fill my eyes with regret. 

My thoughts full of memories of all the times I've been here before. 

A flash, a rush, my skin begins to buzz 

A warm taste comes over me taking away the pain. I'm riding on a rainbow, time begins to bend. 

My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere cluttering my brain.

Euphoria surrounds me, I'm weakened at the knees. 

I see shimmers of brightly colored light.

I'm floating on a breeze, weightless, without fear. 

Thoughts before this moment 

Are muddied and unclear 

There is a hunger that consumes me 

One you can not feed, one I only fear

I'm reaching out for comfort only there is nothing there 

My thoughts are full of all the lies I've told myself again. How did I allow myself to return here 

I'm running from my demons, they are feeding on my fear. Leaving me defeated with whispers in my ear. 

No longer numb to my pain full of guilt and shame my tears fall in multitudes. 

My thoughts seem empty teaming with darkness crushing on my soul. 

I'm falling endlessly longing to hit the ground. My body laying on the floor.

Disgusted in myself to my very core. My heart aches. I've been here too many times before. 

My thoughts swirl in fragments of things I have to loose. Was this really worth it ? 

What did I really choose? 

Confusion creeps in, my body grows weaker. There is darkness all around me 

Piercing blackness rapes my mind 

Thoughts of life before this moment 

Are my only remnants of light 

Razor blades pulse threw my veins 

as acid pours on me like rain 

Icy cold fire burns deep within 

How did I find myself here again. 

My body limp, my mind torn and shattered 

Repulsed by my very existence. 

I knew not to walk this path, yet here I am.

I've been here before and I'll be here again 

The choice is never your when you question your Addiction.

ABOUT THE POEM: "I tried to write this poem in a way that even a person who has never been touched by addiction could understand what it's like for someone who has an addiction."

DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH

Take a walk inside my mind and you will find the very flaws and facets that make up my design. 

Raw at the core 

Cut and shaved by life 

Tediously polished by time 

Mounted in an ever-changing setting forged by pleasure and pain 

Once a gemstone, shiny and new 

Tarnished time and time again by those who said I love you 

Found today discarded and forgotten an unrecognizable stone left laying among the gravel.

Look around but please don't touch 

The jagged edges that surround you are razor sharp and eager to cut

Hungry for pain and Thirsty for blood 

I try not to feed them because they make me numb 

Every facet forms a face and on every one a movie plays. An echo of a memory forever playing on repeat, aching to return to a time that is no more Longing to see loved ones that will never walk through the door. 

Enjoy your walk, take a good look around but pay attention not to wander from the path. If you are not careful you will find yourself in the deepest depths of the darkness and I must warn you that there are things in there that even my demons fear.

When the voices whisper in your ear (and they will) Just keep telling yourself they are not real and keep moving forward. Do not talk to them and do not under any circumstances listen to anything they say 

(No matter how good the idea my or may not be) 

Yes take a walk inside my mind 

Stay awhile if you'd like and when you leave Maybe just maybe you'll see this dirty and beaten tarnished old stone in a much brighter light.



I TAKE THEM ANYWAY

You tell me that I sound crazy 

I hear words like insanity and sane. 

Your emotions are impossible, You say 

You Refuse to see in shades of grey. 

Did you take your meds, I'm reminded every day. 

But did you know that my Crazy has another name ? (I took them anyway)

You tell me that I'm lazy

I should be disgusted and ashamed.

Try harder ringing in my ears, you're words echo again and again. I wish I could just be normal, my thoughts flooded with guilt my eyes full of desperation. 

Did you take your meds, I'm asked again today. 

You choose to call me lazy but it has another name. (I took them anyway)

You tell me that I am paranoid. 

Spitting names like delusional and psychotic. It's all in your head, Are the words that gets said. 

Are you taking your meds is questioned yet again 

You call me paranoid but I wasn't always this way what you call paranoia once had another name. (Yes I took them anyway) 

All these names you call me, All these words you blame. Take your meds you say.

(I take them every day.)

You see Bi- polar, Depression, schizophrenia and everything in between.

What you don't see is the rest of me

You don't see or understand the reason.

All these things you see they call medical conditions but they have another name.

That unknown name is pain. 

The pain of forever being forgotten and afraid. (But I take them anyway) 

Just In case no one asked you, Did you take your meds today? 

ABOUT THE POEM: "This poem has two perspectives: the first is one person to another, and the second is the perspective of mental illnesses to society"

A MAN CALLED TATER 

The greatest man I ever knew 

Was considered a piece of shit by more than a few. 

Unlike anyone you've ever known. A man never fully grown, In a category all his own. 

He had a way of making you wonder. 

You might even say he was blunder. 

Loved by many but hated by some. My grandmother liked to call him a bum. 

The greatest man I ever knew 

Was very unlike me or you.

A jack of all trades but a master of fun.

The best of the worst, He was second to none. 

With knowledge surprisingly vast and whits lighting fast. Until the breath that was his last. 

Many called him a tormented soul 

But my Mother said he made her whole. 

The greatest man I ever knew 

Was far from perfect infact

He was a liar, a cheat, an addict and a con, right up until the moment he was gone.

He taught me so many things over the years.

He showed me my strengths and helped me conquer my fears.

 Society called him low-life trash, but my sister and I just called him dad. 

Yes the greatest man I ever knew 

Would probably be considered a piece of sh*t by you.

And you're assumptions would be true 

But Tater Head the Grate was the greatest piece of shit I ever knew. 

I hope you had the pleasure of knowing him too. 

ABOUT THE POEM: "My step dad was a very troubled person. But he struggled with addiction and mental health his whole life. Most people who didn't know him looked down on him, but to anyone who knew him he was an amazing person and I will always hold him in the highest regards no matter what anyone else says"